Love ’em or hate ’em, blogs are everywhere you look these days. From Britney to your boss’s bratty nephew, it seems everyone has something to say–and no one’s shy about sharing.
Let’s face it, though: The blogosphere isn’t all brilliance. For every innovative and inspiring site, there are at least a dozen downright dreadful alternatives.
We decided to seek out the lamest blogs lurking around the Internet. Big or small, notorious or obscure, we tried to leave no cringeworthy creation uncovered. And here are the fruits of our labors.
Consider this an award show of sorts, only without Billy Crystal. Or, you know, the honor that usually accompanies a win.
Lamest Attempt at Blog-Based Corporate Marketing
And the winner is: “The Jack Box Blog”.
Jack in the Box isn’t exactly synonymous with high-quality gourmet dining, and it appears the quick-and-easy standard carries over to its blog. “The Jack Box Blog,” a MySpace site supposedly run by that strange ping-pong-ball-headed mascot, has about the same amount of intellect as the Jumbo Jack Burger has nutritional value.
“Will one of you hopeless romantics out there please write a poem about my ultimate cheeseburger?” one posting asks. “Two weeks ago after a long long day at work, I came home and ate 4 tacos, 2 jumbo jacks, onion rings and a diet soda. My all time record,” muses another.
Setting aside the lack of any redeeming value for a reader, the very idea of this part-human, part-beast character operating a blog is a bit disturbing. I mean, what IS that guy? His bio says he was “born on a cattle ranch” with a “love for burgers and pretty women.” Could it be Richard Gere hiding behind that bulbous bogus noggin?
One lame blog, please. To go.
Lamest Actual Celebrity Blog
And the winner is: “Kim Kardashian”.
Nearly every sentence on the site ends with an exclamation point (or four). And nearly every entry is about how some aspect of Kim’s life is, like, so totally awesome!!! Check it out!!
Exhibit A: “When I went out the other night for Brittny’s birthday, I loved my outfit! It was all from H&M! One of my favorite stores!”
Like, for real? No way! We love that store too! LOL OMG!!!
Exhibit B: “Last night I was in Boston! I looove it there! … My friend Carla and I went to a club called Gypsy! Underneath the club there was another club owned by the same people called The Liquor Store, which had a mechanical bull inside! … It was seriously the funniest thing I have ever witnessed in my lifetime!!!”
She should sooo totally post a video of that!!! Par-tay!!
Okay, enough. If we write one more enthusiastic, overly punctuated sentence, we will seriously have to strike ourselves with our tape dispensers. And that, my friends, is why Kim gets the award–because she never runs out of energy to excitedly discuss, well, herself.
Too bad we don’t have time for her acceptance speech.
Lamest Use of the English Language in a Blog
And the winner is: “Rosie’s ‘R Blog” by former talk show host and former star of the show The View: namely, Rosie O’Donnell.
language is the main problem
also with rosies blog
she doesnt like to use
or any sort of sentence structure
its one thing to write poetry
but if u r writing regular blogs
and writing them like this
it is, we must inform u
unless u r e.e. cummings
give the overstylized
painful 2 read
prose a rest
we all beg of u
Lamest Commercial Disguised as a Blog
And the winner is: “Check Out”.
“Check Out” is promoted as being the place for “the latest in gadgets, green, gaming, and more.” The “more,” it would seem, constitutes a wealth of thinly disguised Wal-Mart commercials, which you’ll find sprinkled throughout almost every entry.
To be fair, Wal-Mart doesn’t hide the fact that it operates the site. The problem is that it tries to present it as a regular blog about high-tech stuff, while in actuality, it’s more like a replica of the company’s weekly ad.
Take, for example, a recent post entitled “Secrets Revealed”–a story filled with tips on saving during holiday shopping. Those tips include such winners as looking for the “truly unbeatable prices on electronics” at your local Wal-Mart store.
“No gimmicks or rebates, just a great Blu-ray player for under $200 everyday!!!!” the entry proclaims.
Reality check on aisle two, please.
Lamest Intentionally Lame Blog
And the winner is: “The Dullest Blog In The World”.
“The Dullest Blog In The World” makes no bones about the fact that it’s lame–rather, that seems to be the very point. The author blogs about meaningless, insignificant minutia of his daily life. And he does it with an understated gusto.
“Some pencils were scattered around on my desk,” one entry says. “I picked them up one by one. I placed the pencils in the drawer which I use to store pencils.”
“There was a cupboard in the corner of the room,” reads another. “I reached out my hand and gripped the door handle. I pulled the door towards me, thereby opening the cupboard.”
While we recognize the intentional and likely satirical nature of this work, the ease with which the author achieves its pure lameness cannot go unrecognized. Especially lame: No updates since 2006. See? Blogs about nothing CAN amount to something.
Jerry Seinfeld would be proud.
Lamest Celebrity Worship Blog
And the winner is: “Paris Hilton: A Paris Hilton Fan Blog”.
People love their celebrities. And we get that–the unmatchable cool of a rock star or the talent of a Hollywood heartthrob can inspire infatuation.
But Paris Hilton? What’s there to admire–her lack of talent? Her uppity attitude, or holier-than-thou demeanor?
Apparently, there’s something there, at least according to the folks at “Paris Hilton: A Paris Hilton Fan Blog.” Note: This isn’t Paris Hilton’s blog. It’s a blog about Paris Hilton. These people have devoted an entire site to worshipping the socialite whose birthday suit has been seen by millions. And this fan blog is no small undertaking, either–it features a good seven or more daily updates on our video vixen’s every move.
A sampling of recent entries:
“Paris Hilton claims plastic surgery causes aging.”
“Paris Hilton wants to date Prince William.”
“So. Um. Have any of you had sex with and/or hoovered fairy dust with her? Please tell us what it was like in the comments.”
Wow–really? If cyberspace were a natural resource, this would constitute grade A misuse. That’s so not hot.
Lamest Fictional Premise Blog
And the winner is: “The Adventures of Pat O’Neil”.
If you’re looking for a fictional account about a fella named Pat and his adventures fighting meth ninjas with a pack of genetically modified squirrel monkeys–yes, you read that correctly–look no further. If, on the other hand, you are not out of your mind, read the following excerpt from “The Adventures of Pat O’Neil” blog, join us in a brief chuckle, and move on with your life.
“They took a journey to the foot of the mountains and into a swamp. It took a week of searching, and they lost four ninjas to poisonous swamp bears. They would have then named themselves ‘Clan Poisonous Swamp Bear,’ but the embroiderer told them that an poisonous swamp bear embroidered onto a uniform looks almost identical to a grizzly bear embroidered on the uniform. This would have been very bad for them because Clan Grizzly had recently angered the demon Kal’Ah from the land of wind and ghosts by telling his wife she looked fat in a pair of coo lots, and the demon had vowed to wipe out the clan. This wouldn’t have been a problem, but the demon Kal’Ah is incredibly near sighted.”
See what we mean?
Lamest (and Strangest) Beverage-Inspired Blog
And the winner is: “Pepsi-KFC’s Blog”.
Some people get devoted to brands. Really devoted. Our final winner brings his odd love for all things Pepsi and KFC together in the aptly named “Pepsi-KFC’s Blog.” We think the following paragraph says it all:
“Pepsi and Pepsi these are a few of my favourite things Pepsi and Pepsi…I wana be the very best +dun dun duna na+ to drink them all is my cause +dun dun duna na+ to find such beautys as Twist and Cino +dun dun duna na+ to destroy the factory we must destroy +dun dun duna na+ … If you taste good I’ll drink you, Pepsi Max, gota drink em all gota drink em all!”
Lamest Deflated Former American Idol Contestant’s Blog
And the winner is: “The Michael Sandecki Blog”.
Poor Michael Sandecki. Where did he go wrong? Remember him? The last time we saw the guy, he was the beaming Clay Aiken look-alike getting loads of airtime on “American Idol”.
Now? Well, let’s just say he’s significantly less cheerful. We’d quote a portion of his blog to demonstrate, but the entries are largely 700-word long run-on sentences, so we’re not sure where to start. Or finish. Suffice it to say, the spirit that captured America is not shining through. Nor is the punctuation.
Come on, Michael. Don’t let the sun go down on you. Or, if you must, at least throw in a couple of commas for good measure.
Lamest Exclusion of Relevant Information in a Blog
And the winner is: “Stevens for Senate Committee Blog”.
As Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was being convicted in October on seven counts of corruption–for lying about accepting gifts from an oil contractor, a charge that could result in substantial prison time–his official campaign blog was touting the “huge crowds” at his fundraisers and the “hero’s welcome” he was receiving throughout his state.
Stevens may call it “strategy.” We call it “lame.”
When international headlines are filled with the fact that you’ve just become a convicted felon, how can you possibly not even mention it in your campaign blog? Sure, Stevens is a politician, and sure, he was actively running for office. But come on, Senator–peel away the blindfold. Everyone knows about the trial.
Isn’t the point of a blog to serve as a personal forum, to let you communicate with the world? Might not the federal conviction be a relevant tidbit of info to include? Might not the blog provide you with a venue to do some damage control?
Then again, perhaps the Palinesque “sunny day” approach will pay off. At this writing, while the final absentee votes cast were being counted, Stevens was losing his Senate race by a slight margin–which may spare the Republican leadership of the Senate from forcing out one of their own. A Stevens victory, however–even one accompanied by incarceration–wouldn’t make his blog any less lame.
Lamest Topic for a Blog
And the winner is: “Bad Hair Day”.
You can find a blog about almost anything. When it comes to bad topics, though, “Bad Hair Day” comes out a snip above the rest. The entire site, as its name suggests, is devoted to messy, moussy, or otherwise lackluster locks.
Written by the anonymous “Bad Hair Czar,” the site points a finger at celebs who could do with a new do. It tackles such tough topics as whether Kelly Osbourne is wearing a wig, whether Christina Ricci looks better with or without bangs, and whether Penelope Cruz needs to rethink her brushing technique. And like many lame blogs, it’s not updated often enough–which probably is a good thing.
“The frizz, the awkward sidesweep, the fluff, the curl and the fug,” the Czar writes. “I hate to sound like Nina Garcia, the most inarticulate and useless judge on Project Runway, but I don’t get it.”
Neither do we. Congrats on the award!